Safe and unsafe people

This “advice” is probably common sense to most people. But I decided to share it for anyone who has difficulty with people-pleasing, or is perhaps on the spectrum^[1] and struggles with socializing and navigating friendships.

Most people naturally experience “gut feelings” about other people. I don’t, and I had to train myself how to sense them. This is how I did.

In the past, I’ve been told that I was “too nice.”

I’m frustratingly understanding towards other people. I’m often able to imagine their worldview and upbringing, and see why they behave in certain ways, even when I don’t agree with them.

This is an interesting philosophy to carry about in life, and it’s a very compassionate one.

But, when you’re sympathizing with someone who has hurt you, it can also be self-abasing, and that isn’t a great way to live.

It paves the way for a lot of assholes to take advantage of your kindness, and continue hurting you.

So instead of thinking of people in terms of “good” or “bad,” I think in terms of “safe” and “unsafe.”

“Safe” and “unsafe” are not a moral judgement on the other person.

“Safe” and “unsafe” are about how you feel around them, whether it is their intention or not.

Safe people

• show interest in your interests; even if they don’t share the interest, they are happy that you are happy.
• tease you in ways that feel fun and playful.
• are curious about your life in general.
• apologize when they know they’ve hurt you^[2] – and the behavior doesn’t become a pattern.
• are OK when you say no. Would never knowingly push you to do anything that would make you uncomfortable.

Unsafe people

• tease you in ways that feel more like digs – even if they’re “just joking.”
• seem to devalue or make fun of what makes you happy.^[3]
• seem to just reach out when they want something from you (such as emotional support, advice, money, sex). Bonus points if they never reciprocate.
• spend a great deal of time talking negatively about other people. (They are absolutely talking about you the same way.)
• don’t, or half-heartedly, apologize when they know they’ve hurt you. They may repeatedly hurt you.
• bring up shit that annoys or upsets you pretty much every time you’re around them.
• act pissy or pushy when you say no or state a boundary.

This can apply whether the person is friends with you, flirting with you, or dating you.

Some people can be safe in some contexts, and unsafe in others. Maybe one friend is totally cool to talk to about hobbies, but they bungle more sensitive topics. This is human. What matters is that you feel more safe with them than not!

When someone is unsafe, it doesn’t mean they were intentionally shitty. Nor does it matter. It just signals that it’s a relationship that causes you more dread than joy, and that you need to establish boundaries.

Maybe that means you need distance from them. Maybe you need to limit your conversations, respond to them less, or end the friendship.

People go through rough patches, and sometimes they do genuinely change their ways over time. But don’t wait on it. People do not change unless they want to.

You don’t need to keep sympathizing with people who make you feel bad for being you.

You don’t have to feel any guilt for deciding if someone is safe or unsafe. It’s just a measure for deciding if someone is somebody that you want to be around!